Cheers
Today, I am having a sad day. They are less frequent than …well, before, but nevertheless the very sad days are becoming less.That in a strange way is also sad. Does it mean I am coming to terms with Nathan being gone? I don’t know. But it is sad, because although I know life goes on even without those who made it spectacular, it doesn’t make it fair. I have somehow come to some agreement with God that I accept that this was in part a decision He made over which I had very little control. It makes it somehow absurd. I am a long way from even trying to forgive although I am moving towards a phase where I can see a little better what the master plan behind it could be. One such glimpse is A.R.K, which has seen the light. Not without many bumps in the way, but somehow, something has made the road “walk able” and none of the obstacles were insurmountable. Things are falling into place at lighting speed. Too fast for me to completely comprehend but luckily also too fast for me to stand still and question happenings. We should be fully operational by mid-to end November. And that, ladies and gentleman, is something worth writing home about. 
Two little kiddos whose progress I have been following are both very ill right now. It breaks my heart because I know the fear their parents are experiencing. I know the desperation with which you fight. I know that it is mostly met with strangely blasé attitudes. I wish I could be of some comfort but my track record is everything but successful. If I could have it all over, I’d do it in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I know I am not getting my second chance. I would do it better this time, that I know, but how do you explain that to people who still believes that children with disabilities are less worthy. It is not only sad, but severely unfair.
I will pray tonight, for Keanu, who is ill in hospital after coming back from China where he had stem cell therapies. He has made wonderful progress and yet is hindered from further progress due to disease and seizures. I will pray for Giuliana who has had two episodes this week where she couldn’t swallow the phlegm in her throat and turned blue. Her SATS are low at present. Low isn’t good. It never is. And I pray with all my heart and soul that God would spare her for her family who loves her dearly. Losing the fear of death is in itself a tremendously scary thing. It equals giving up for me. I couldn’t do that. I always thought that the minute I would relax, I would somehow give permission that it is time for Nathan to go. But then again, the clever ones say that you attract what you fear most…
As time passes and Nathan is merely a photograph and a very vivid memory, I want to go back to the time when my heartache was all consuming. I want to take back all the times I didn’t spend with him. I want to hold him so badly. Next week Wednesday is my birthday. It has not been a good date or a good day. It is the day my father passed away, and Nathan passed away on a Wednesday. I have come to hate Wednesdays. The day after, Nathan will be gone for three months already. Three months. The time it takes for a baby to become a person. As long as that. A.R.K is dedicated to Nathan and Loren. But also for all the little boys and girls and their parents who so bravely fight against injustices. To all of them, I wish to take my hat off and bow deep. How I wish I still had the chance to change the world, with Nathan by my side.
So, raise your glasses, and let’s cheers, on life.
A good life for all.
We all deserve nothing less.
