Happy Birthday
Dearest Nathan,
Today was your fourth birthday. Today you would have gotten your first bicycle with little wheels on the side. We would have gone for a walk and you would have cycled alongside Doef. You probably would have thrown a tantrum because he would be able to go much faster than you! Or maybe, you would have stuck to mom and dad’s side and the knowledge that where ever we are, you would be safe. You would have enjoyed a Thomas the Train cake, or a bunch of cupcakes -as long as they had chocolate icing and smarties on the top. You would have blown out your four candles and we all would have sung happy birthday Nathan! You would have been fast asleep by now, knowing that today was your best birthday ever…as would every other one therafter be.
At least, that is the way it should have been.
Instead, we had just a few close friends over for coffee and cupcakes. They still had chocolate icing on but instead of four candles, mom put four smarties on each cupcake. Instead of a bicycle, we had no gifts except a beautiful plant for your garden. We didn’t speak about you today because the words became like dry flour in my throat. All sticky on the insides of your mouth. But you were still the birthday boy on everyone’s mind. Not a lot of people remembered that it was your birthday today. Or maybe they did and they just didn’t know how to say anything. Or maybe, they were too afraid to say anything. Mom doesn’t know. But what I do know, is that the people who mattered remembered you today and we all felt sad that the guest of honor couldn’t be here.
Mom slept for most of the afternoon and tonight is going to be a difficult one as I try to sleep…and try not to think about you too much. But, just as mom somehow still carries on without you, I will survive tonight.
I hope the angels spoilt you rotten today and that you get to visit mom in my dreams when they come.
We miss you more and more and more every day and at least now we know for certain that nothing was for nothing. Just know that mom and dad are still fighting for you - just as we promised you so many times.
Then again, these are probably things you know already.
Give Ouma a great big kiss and say thank you that she looks after you for us.
xxx
