Nathan, our gift from God…

It’s that time of the year again.  A time for giving, sharing, family.  But also reflection on the year that had passed.

A toast.  To a year gone passed.  A speech.   To remind us to count our many blessings.

So here’s to the many families living with a child with Cerebral Palsy.  Or any other disease or disability for that matter.   I salute you.  The nights you don’t sleep, the hours spent on feeding, the dreadful ER visit’s, the trouble with caretakers, the constant struggle with money, the many, many worries about what the future may hold will never go unnoticed.  Even if our society does not understand the love you have for your child, know very well that each and every parent in a similar situation does understand.  Even the ones who had lost the fight.  I raise my glass!  You make me realise what a privilege it was to have Nathan.  You make me appreciate my remaining healthy, happy children so much more. 

Here’s to the obnoxious guy who belittles his girlfriend.  You make me love my wonderful husband even more.

Here’s to the many abused woman and children.  For standing up and saying “No more” – I appreciate my husband’s support in all my (sometimes) crazy endeavours.

Here’s to the friends and strangers diagnosed with cancer.  You gave me the wake-up call needed to prevent a possible diagnosis myself. Even if it meant making very tough decisions.

Here’s to the pregnant friends.  You helped me realise that the children I have is more than enough to fill the void left by Nathan’s passing. A new baby cannot take his place.  I have enough.  More than enough.

Here’s to the recession and the thousands of people who lost their jobs. To everyone who had lost their homes, their lives the way they wanted it.  To everyone who had lost their families because of it.   I appreciate the well-paying job I have.

Here’s to all the people who committed suicide this year.  And their families who were left behind.  You made me realise that I must have an incredible inner strength to be approaching the second Christmas without my son.  You made me see that my support is always around.  I am grateful that I have a support system.

Here’s to new hobbies.  To meeting different people.  To making new friends.  Where there is no traumatic history.  Where I can be someone without the harrowing past.

Here’s to all the people living in shacks.  I am grateful for my house with an insulated roof and running water and carpeted floors and soft beds and warm blankets.  I count my blessings one by one.

Here’s to the men and woman working tirelessly at finishing a chapter that should never have been written at all.  Who speak to us with kindness and empathy. The behind the scene angels who touched our lives. 

As I reflect on the year gone passed, I realise that I not only have more blessings deserving a human being, but also amidst a deep, deep sorrow the promise that tomorrow will indeed be better.  Here’s to life, in general.  A sense of belonging.  Beautiful memories of a little boy’s life.  A life well lived, but ended too soon.  I am grateful for the time I had been given to get to know him. 

The ebb and flow of grief is no longer something I fear.  I accept that there are days where I will miss him enormously and days I will think back to him fondly.  Days where I want to hide in a closet.  Days where I want to look at pictures.  Days when I wail and days it’s just a trickle.  It has become part of who I am. 

Here’s to all the mom’s and dad’s whose children had died.  It is an incredibly heartbreaking group to belong to but it is also the only group through which you learn that life is precious.  All life is precious.  And sacred.   It remains a fragile gift that can be shattered or taken back at any stage. 

We still have no single word to describe us.  We aren’t called widows or orphans.  But I realised it is because there simply cannot be a word to describe that incredible loss.

Here’s to us, for surviving another year.  May the ones that follow be treated as if it could have been the last.  Make memories, say yes, do something daring, make new friends, live this life you’ve been given. 

So raise your glasses and let’s say thanks to all the many blessings we have.

To the New Year.

Cheers!